Puzzle of Momentary

HELLO

Missed.
I know you missed it, the month that you proudly auctioned, the month that you willing to give it all.
I remember your call, when you said, "I'm gonna write something momentary at least at the end of September," and you never do it until D+7 (and now, D+12) you said so.
So cliche.

What actually you're doing?

You said it yourself. "I'm gonna visit you more often" or "I'm not gonna let you cold" or other sweet-sugar-coating talks you said. But you never want to talk about what are you doing right now --except typing a post-- like yes everybody knows that, and so?

Hence its already over, then let's make another way to leave some quarter life marks in here, so this is my statement :

I'm happy (and blessed) enough for getting a chance to feel sparks with different people and circles 12 days ago. Not expecting about anything, but anything happened on that day (or afterwards) was a contribution to complete this puzzle of momentary. So I would like to say thank you.. for all of you, for making it true, consciously or not.

Okay, so, let's wrap it sooner, because if it's not, I don't know when this post will be published.

Birthday Sweet Escape - This is a rare selfie moment! And no, I'm not that pathetic okay...

Censored so it won't hurt your eyes (and so that somebody can't make use of it)

Off I go, let's close this post by yelling the weird tag of yours.
Auction time, I'll give you my September!

Meanwhile it's already October......

((ok this is super weird, I'm signing out))

1/4 Hour to Wonderland

HELLO

01:45 a.m

So, there was a blink of moment when you start to crush yourself into pieces and you're not even realized it. Or maybe you know it, but you give yourself all-sweet-candy-of-excuses, so that it's kind of fine for hurting yourself "a bit'" without feeling guilty.

Is it that good, even when it hurts, and there's no regret?

Then let me ask,
You or your time, which kind of part that you like to slash the most? Or maybe both, because that candy is somehow addicting and it has slowly become your heroin.

Welcome to the rehab.

A Minute

You clenched your teeth and you held it again.

Maybe it's the 9th times, or 10th, kinda hard to count since you do it in the short period of time. But from the small gestures that you made, it's pretty clear for me to get into this one conclusion : you might be just don't want to do this.

And it's okay.

Even though I've already know that it was on your tip of tongue --the crumpled paper with your democratic speech on it, I remained silent and not to look generous in front of you so that you'll be much more comfortable.

So this is how people look when they don't know how to say a thing.

You rolled your eyes and keep scratching your head even though it wasn't itchy. You take a deep breath and exhale it again. You blinked your eyes for the thousand times  and I guess I almost see a single tear over there... well, or you're just being sleepy (which is impossible anyway).

"Anyhow," I finally speaking.

You lifted up your head and still looks terrible. And wow, that eye bags, how many nights you've been up to? Or how many nights you're crying all this time?

"I'm not going to give you any advice or any sweet talks, so if you want to talk about anything that stuck inside your head, please do."

I saw your eyes start to get blurry.

"...Crying is allowed to, I guess?"

And you finally cried.

Samyang got me (still) wake up at this hour, really.

HELLO

It's 2:21 a.m.
Surprise surprise! I'm still able to open my eyes because of the Samyang Challenge that I just did hours ago. Yes, I made it past midnight and that's not an important thing to do. I posted my reaction on Snapchat and there was no video because I looks terrible (yes, my tongue & tears can't handle it). To sum it up, I just want to ask Samyang : why they named this product "Hot Chicken Ramen" while apparently there was no slightly Chicken flavour at all? Gosh.

Looks Good? Not until you taste it.

Anyway,
I'm not going to talk about random things today because honestly, I'm super duper sleepy right now. I just wanna say hi to you bloogy, so that you got your weekly dose. Note that. Weekly, not monthly or yearly again. Is that sweet enough? Take that as an OK.

p.s. My head started to hurts, dunno because of this Samyang or maybe I just need to sleep asap.

You Called It Freak, We Called It Alter Ego

HELLO

Back after 2 days, kinda surprising don't you think?
Shortly, today I'm too lazy for back tracking what I've been doing in the past year(s), so here I am starting to blabber, unimportant things, as usual.

I don't remember whether I ever talked about people with their alter ego before.

Alter ego, or you called it a second self, is a different version of yourself. Simply said, it's actually you, but with the distinct originality. To be in rhyme, the alter ego that I'm talking in here is just the 'simple' one that people normally created. So, unlike the fiction Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, no, that kind of alter ego is too heavy.

Sometimes, you're not even realized that you've created your alter ego in your real life. As simple as this case: You in your normal daily life are known as someone with an 'A' personality, whether in another circle, you've been known with a 'B', or 'C', and so on.

Rarely seeing someone in the real life with very distinct personality? You will see it a lot in the comparison between people in the real life vs their social media life.

Social media is the easiest place to create your brand new persona. Who's with me if I said, building your showboat virtually is easier rather than acting it out directly towards people? Yes, not all people can stand upright on their own faking parade and doing their stunts smoothly, so that they will choose a perfect undercover medium called social media.

I bet you know that some of your friends have more than one account in a social media platform (or maybe yourself?). For example, there are a lot of people in Twitter/Instagram who create another persona because of various purposes.

First case, they have an interest towards something that they don't want to known by anyone because it will ruin their 'image' in the daily normal life. We found it a lot on the topic of k-pop/j-pop thingy, shopping account, or secret account just for tweeting your gloomy day. Second case, they want to build a branding account, such as account for only posting their 'receh' jokes, account for photography, account for role play, etc. Third case, they just want to have another account for personal reasons.

For me, it's kinda normal tho?
Sometimes, people want this kind of freedom feeling when you do 'unusual activities' not under your name or your known image.
If creating alter ego makes you comfortable, then just go with it. As long as you're not faking all of your behavior in the daily normal life, I guess it's still okay to do it.

Yep.
So the next question will be:

"Do I have it?"

Yes. Both in real life and social media life.
And maybe you have it too.

"What's the purpose of you writing this?"

Well, nothing. Like I said before, it's just another babble which is unimportant, as usual.

So, smell you later!

p.s. Guess what alter ego case I'm going with, lol.

A ((Short)) Hello

"HELLO"

Well, it took almost 7 months for me to finally say that classic word (again) which I've been used since years ago.
Maybe you bored seeing me with that lame word, or maybe you think "Oh, this person is still alive?" or "Oh, finally she remembers her password.", or you are not even reading this post because this blog is not even passed through your tiny head.

Anyhow,
Yes, you are reading the spidey webey 'finally-published-draft' which already sitting for decades inside of this murky bloogy.
Yes, I know you missed the shallow "I'm sorry I left you cold." spoken by me every time I abandon you.
Yes, there are some topic that I promised to be told before but uh-still not seeing anything until now.
Yes, I don't know why suddenly I decide to write this kind of post.

Maybe I miss talking monologue with you (Well, you bloogy, it is not a human tho so I still can use the word --monologue).
Freak, I know it too.

It's been always like that. Thinking about writing almost every single time, but in fact it just happened in the super-duper-randomly-rare time. Writing intention comes at any time, but the writing itself doesn't. So that's why there are uncountable pile of topics behind the door which left me in confusion of how I write it -or should I write it. The thing is, I should start to force myself writing again, Write anything even though no one is reading it. Write anything even though it's not such a matter in issue. Write anything even though it's just a trashy thing, like it always does.

So, hello. Again.
This is how I present to you my very first post in 2016 (which is, 195 days late).
Smell you later, hope it's not 195 days later!


p.s. A LOT of things happened. How to tell it one by one this is so confusing.
p.s.s. Currently challenging myself for doing "Trivial Things I've Never Done Before". Not Important, I know, but let's consider it as another source of simple happiness to yourself. Wohoo splendid.
p.s.s.s. Sorry for the grammar dear Nazi, i'm suck at writing.

Ok, So Is This Funny, That..

"A person should prefer to leave, to make the other one can stay in a circle comfortably."

---

Or not?
Because I'm leaving.

"Where have you been?"

(End of September, 2015)

I'm still here. Distortedly alive.

Just like when you release a bunch of balloons.

They might be one at first and they should be proud of leaving with a round of applause.

Splendid.

Some might burst before it flies.

Some might go into the same pathway, and some just don't.

Some might just act avoiding for each other, and some just don't.

People who unfriending in the real life or social media life, is just another part of this crap.

By leaving the earth, they think that, this is their freedom from catastrophe.

The reality is they just enter another one of league battle, alone -or with another survivor(s).

We don't need your formality, Sir.

Any words worth your tip of tongue.

If you don't mean it, don't say it.

As easy as you did, dear sarcasm.

Speaking About Madness

HELLO

Speaking about getting mad, I never remembered how it was, or how it feels. The only thing I remember is the feeling of holding your madness.

It was like something burn your chest and then it comes up to choke your throat, but you can't burst it out. After that, the heat starts to spread into your face and that's why you can't lift up your cheekbone. Is it done? Nope. Here comes the boiling brain that would make you think that there's a baby kicking your 'womb' when you're not pregnant and that's where the irrational thinking comes from.

And no, I'm not getting mad here, nor holding madness.
All I can see is a person is getting mad and the other one is holding it. Right over there, in the corner of my eyes.
It's 8 p.m., both of you are sitting in a fancy cafe, unfinished yummy meals on the table, and the music is so bright.
Why you should mad, people?

p.s. Another mind blown. Don't worry, I'm trying to catch up my promise for giving you an overview.

The Sudden Reason

HELLO

It's been (almost) 1 year.
Maybe the longest time I left you cold, don't you agree, bloogy? I owe you an apology for this.

Actually, I've prepared a draft, maybe the longest draft I've ever written, to be posted here as the commemorate of this blog hiatus for (almost) 1 year. But, maybe it can wait later, because I want to write other things, which is absolutely different from what I've done for the past year.

(Pardon for any grammatical error, as I wrote it in one go and just leave it as it is -- the monologue)

Before we go, there are some sudden reasons for me to write (and post -- not just write and then save it as a draft) in here are : whether I am extremely happy/excited, or in the mood of pouring the mind blows, or deep down depressed, or confusing about something, or feeling somehow sad, or thinking writing the story is better than sharing it to anyone, or the most undefined reason : because I want to.

By having the condition as I mentioned above, the process of writing is going to be as fast as running away from things that make you scared. You don't have to think twice to fix it, because you're going to feel better for writing in a non-stop flow.

What do you think the sudden reason for this time?

So what's on my mind is,
Sometimes there are times when you feel that you're not alive, or you choose not to be alive that day.
You want to wake up even though you've already regained your consciousness, so that you think you're gonna be alive today. You want to redo the time and fix things you did, so that you think you're gonna be alive today. You want to gather your guts and feelings because you think you lost it today, so that you think you're gonna be alive today. You want to erase the regret a second after you turn your back and walk away, so that you think you're gonna be alive today.

Relying your "thinking" to make you feel alive, no one could say whether it's true or not. Because we have a different way of thinking, each of us, as a human being. And that's understandable.
You can choose to follow your thinking and skip your feeling, or follow your feeling and skip your thinking, or just follow both of them. No one could say whether it's true or not. And that's understandable.

Regardless of the complexity blabbering that I wrote just now, giving your thinking & feeling towards a person is not an easy thing to do, at least for some people. Due respect and appreciation, sometimes you choose to give both of your thinking & feeling towards a person, while not all people would even get a chance to get your consideration (because you cut it down even before you start to think).

You want to give it all, the thinking and feeling, so that you can grab the faith, your own faith. Surely, it takes time, because each person has a different limit of time when the time is always the same. You never know when the time of your faith will finally come. So don't force yourself to regain the faith. The faith is already there, but it's not their time to come up yet. Time has its powers. All you can do is just speak for that matter, what you really think and what you really feel right now.

You want to give your best thinking and feeling towards this person. But, if it doesn't work out, that's okay, because maybe this person deserves someone better than you or maybe the times hasn't come out yet. And that's understandable.

---
I still want to type, but it's almost dawn right now and these eyes can't hold it anymore.