I made a list of things I wanna write about,

.. in case I don't have time to write. But apparently I did. lol

It (should be) a peaceful Sunday.

I'm sitting here on the edge of basketball court, waiting my dear to sweat him out.

Yes I bring laptop here and that's kind of freak like, who the hell is this person, bringing laptop at the sport venue?

The motivation?

Sorry, will correct that part, it's not motivation, it's pressure.

Lately, I sleep but doesn't feel like it is. It's not restoring your energy, it's pressuring.

Well, I'm a loyal Google Keep user since I was freshman in college. On a peak days when I have tons of random working request coming up at once, I noted it on "What to do tonight". I even made a specific Trello board for what has to be done by me in the context of request. 

Up until now I currently have 64 self-Trello card, and 15+ to-do tonight that I have to finish, alone.

You might say I'm not doing the right time management or not implement working effectively or procrastinate all my works or it's consequences of my choices or the fault of not asking for help. 

Dude, it's okay. I got that, I admitted that. I'm the one at fault here and you're the winner-winner chicken dinner, wo-hoo !

But, let's put out the negative energy, (I think) I can still handle it.... roflmao

For the list that I wanna write about, please just wait until I can make it out happened.

It's been 987 days since my last writing,

..or 2 years, 8 months, 14 days.

Gosh, I broke my own commitment to post at least once a month  to once a year, then it turns out to post at least once in whenever I feel like doing it, lol. Maybe the longest strike of me-not-posting-whatsoever in here that I've never imagine before. You must be dead in boredom, bloogy. Did you? Have you been well?

People do really change, better or worse, and it's valid.

So, I'm still here, well alive.

Just finished with family stuff because it's Eid Al Fitr Day in COVID-19 Pandemic. Never been in travel (I mean, my kind of travelling) for more than 1.5 years and I think I'm getting lost.

You know I spent some time when I tried to recall "Dude, what account that I used to login into this blog?"

Some minutes after, I spent to read my old-random-and-not-necessary writings.

And yes, all memories seems to burst in front of me. And yes, I think, my absence for the past 2 years++ is something that I should not do.

Watching me grow through my old post is shameful but at the same time, hmm... proud (?)

Well, now I can conclude my old-self as : 

• Ms. Know-It-All, or  
• Ms. Confide-between-the-lines, or
• Ms. Someone-who-needs-a-place-to-tell-stories-but-doesn't-know-where-and too-shameful-to-did-it
• Ms. Still-trying-to-encourage-herself-for-shits-happened

But behind all of it, it's surprising enough that my past writings actually gives me enlightenment about what happened to me currently. Let's say I have an issue, then I re-read my old post, and I feel like I've been advised by myself in the past -lol what's this, am I trying to call myself psychic or what.

Anyway, it's been fun enough to catching up with you (although my writing is still worth enough to warn by Grammarnazi). I hope that I can recall myself once again, like I said earlier, I think I'm getting lost, lol.

p.s. Hope this pandemic will be over soon, I feel like I wanna grab my backpack and run off to cross out my bucket list

Welcoming New Life : Throwback 7 & 8 April 2018

HELLO

It's been a (super!) while, right? And luckily it's not a year after my last post here.
Last year I told you about I got engaged. So, let me do a little throwback of my wedding moment, just to left path in here because you've been with me since 2007 (wow, more than 1 decade!). 

Pengajian

Siraman

Midodareni

Midodareni

Before Akad

Before Akad

Akad

After Akad

Kirab Resepsi

Now, I''m enjoying my marriage life. And it's feels so amazing to (finally) found someone that you can annoy (and lean on to) for the rest of your life :)

Sasri & Mega 

p.s. Thank you for those who took their quality time to attend, also for those who send prayers at heart, I really appreciate it.

Well, Hey!

03.12.17 - 11:44 AM

I may never expect this kind of person.

But, this kind of moment is really worth to post.

Ego, Denial, Selfless.

HELLO

(should be posted on September 22, 2017)

As a selfless person known by almost all of my long time friends, there's a point of denial where I can be a very egoistic person ever.

The resistance to always pleased others while still looking hella-fine can be such a troublesome. Sometimes you're tired with it, but you're insist to mark it okay because you think you can handle it (by hurting yourself -in the same time).

Then it becomes funny when you think you have something that you claim as yours --or someone whom you claim to be bonded with you.

Yes, who said a selfless person can't have any ego towards what's important to them? It's beyond your mind that an ego of a selfless person might be way bigger than you ever expect comparing to normal range of peeps.

Their ego about something/someone can be much more bigger than you ever thought because it's shown in silent. Yes, they almost never talked about it if they want to do/not to do something, or they want someone to do/not to do something. To keep their self esteem, they might be doing something underneath and still having the flattest expression you've usually seen. Like there's nothing happened and everything seems normal.

What's the underneath?
They end up with denial.

Denial is the natural survival instinct of our self esteem.
When it's in danger--or things happened contrary with your ego-- its alert system warns them to change the mind mode into denial, so the burning ego can be drenched just in sec.
Sounds easy isn't it?

"I don't like it when its happening. I want them to stay in here."
"But, if they're here, they might be feeling unhappy with it."
"Let's just let them go. Instead, I can handle my mind and do other things so that my mind wont stick into this probs again."

Towards myself,
I can see the glitches on yours. That's quite hurt, but you're still looking fine. Even when it hurts, you seem like having no regret with it, huh? Because you're basically a masochist.

And that's how you become a selfless person again.
Repeated, continuously until you dead.
Isn't that pathetically funny?

p.s. Maybe, just maybe, the glory of self-esteem is not always like we think it should be.

(Another) attempt of giving positive vibes towards myself

HELLO

It's 02:00 a.m
I woke up because of the call about 2 hours ago and just let myself to wide awake up to now.
So, what kind of nonsense talk do you want to hear?

You know, whenever I wrote in here, I wrote to myself. I don't tend myself to write what to inspire others like people at my age normally wrote.
This kind of trash talk helps me a lot to make time for me --things that mostly forgotten because you're deeply drown with another 'priority' activities such as work, tasks, social life, etc.

When you're in the mode of getting a chance to set up your future turbulence, there's 100% possibility that you feel like you lost and had preference to go nowhere.
That's called, you've been spoiled by the guilty pleasure called comfort zone.

Somehow you feel burdened to step forward, although you're really want it. So, you keep staying there like a dead old fish. The perfect plan with bunch of alternatives you've made won't work if you're not throwing yourself into the water. You're not that weak to be called yourself as a coward, so just jump in it. Feel the dynamics, that's how the world works.

And never thought that you're gonna be alone to face it out. You've got people on your back, you've got God too. Throw away your dignity and ask them some support, if you need it. Don't act like you're the most independent person in the whole world. Hey, you're not superwoman... and it's absolutely okay to feel the need from others. You're not troublesome, you're just doing what's common for human. 

So, why you still feel worried too much?

Stranger than your sympathy

And this is my apology

I'm killing myself from the inside out

And all my fears have pushed you out

And I wished for things that I don't need (all I wanted)

And what I chase won't set me free (it's all I wanted)

And I get scared but I'm not crawlin' on my knees

Oh, yeah

Everything's all wrong

Everything's all wrong

Where the hell did I think I was?

And stranger than your sympathy

I take these things, so I don't feel

I'm killing myself from the inside out

And now my head's been filled with doubt

It's hard to lead the life you choose (all I wanted)

And all your luck's run out on you (all I wanted)

And you can't see when all your dreams are coming true

Oh, yeah

It's easy to forget

When you choke on the regrets

Who the hell did I think I was?

(Symphaty - Goo Goo Dolls)

***

Release the tense on your shoulders.
It's gonna be okay my dear.. you're not that weak.
Enjoy the turbulence!

p.s. Got myself some chocolate milk and I'm good to go to bed. Sleep well, fellas!

Auction time is calling and..

...this time, I admit, that time just seems to fly so fast.
The auction time is here (again) because I'll give you my September. Ya know? This blog slogan won't ever goes old, even when the meaning is so absurd, because I said it on my land of authority. Can I get a 'yay'? No?

Wait, now playing Daughtry - September because it just perfectly fit the moment.

Of all the things I still remember
Summer's never looked the same
The years go by and time just seems to fly
But the memories remain

In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end

We knew we had to leave this town
But we never knew when and we never knew how
We would end up here the way we are
Yeah we knew we had to leave this town
But we never knew when and we never knew how

(Daughtry - September)

Basically I'm gonna love song that related with September because I'm biased with this month. Don't judge me.
The things is, for keep getting another chance to live another year, I should feel blessed, we should.
I'm not gonna ask the pressuring questions like : What have you done for the past year? or What kind of last year achievement you really proud of?

Let's just be it.

Because churros completes theme park

p.s. Lately I've been replaying some old playlist because of nostalgic strikes me hard
p.s.s. It's good to remember and always be remembered by others, don't we?

Welcoming Sun-kissed!

HELLO

Things are never been better when you try to include yourself in a program called self-healing. Improve yourself with something that makes you feel good, whether you learn something or throw yourself into self-satisfactory activities.

And I have soft spot for traveling tho... so 2 days before new adventure trip comin' forward!

Shot from my last trip in Bira. Anw that's hair not brown bushes.

p.s. Been a year, thought it was just yesterday. Never expected for being through it.

This past few days,

HELLO

I realized that this brain of mine was full of things to be thought out and the mood was just stink like disaster. Even I confused about this free fall from the tip of my own eyes. I smell the turbulence and recast will come in short period of time.

Not a good instinct at all.

And for a while, I just want to forget all things that happened.

Aren't you just too afraid to lose your base of recall?

HELLO

Say, you have unsustainable things that you want to keep the most.
If you wanna keep it, then you'll never want to swap it up with any other things.
That's normal things to do, acceptable as human being.

Yes, you try to remember it all but your-standard-human-brain-capacity just can't make it, except for a short recall that you called : re-type the words.

That's it. That's the moment when suddenly you want to re-read it again, just to ensure yourself that you (still) remember it.

And you feel that, right?
All you want is just to feel relieve.. that you still can remember it.

Towards the end of the post, I questioned myself :
Aren't you just too afraid to lose your base of recall?


p.s. Might be my first and last post in July, only if this melancholia is burned down today.

Low Boundary, High Tranquility

HELLO

Half year is welcoming you already.
Are you still on the path that you think it's right? Or you realize that you've been walking on the track that you think it's wrong?
When you got the answer, will you still go straight or turn your back on?
Then when you go with your assured way, are you feeling insecure?

This is about how you set a low boundary to get the high level of tranquility.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't have a very high expectation among things around you, but, trust me, for specific things happens in your life -- you may thought that it would be better to keep it low.

I'm not saying that keeping it low would be easy, yet sometimes it hurts more and you have no other choice rather than doing it as normal as possible. (Wo-hoo I smell faker...no?)

By setting your level of boundary in low position, you won't expect something that you really want to expect but has minus level of possibility.
In the end, you'll consider it as an extra if it surpassing your boundary.
And you'll be happier, besides getting the tranquility.
Isn't that great?

N-level for keeping it low

p.s. Note for people who have weak level of tolerance and strong demand of being a self-centered, I'm sorry but we're at the different side of handling something like this.

Inertia

HELLO

Deep down, it keep haunting you and sometimes it hurts even just a bit.. right? Unconsciously.
In the end, you remain still and stay being dust in the parallel universe. Unseen and unreachable.

You said that you're just missing the moment.
Are you sure you don't want to turning back, while you still can?

This is the state of inertia, vice versa.

Swing back or forth

Basically you just need a distraction

HELLO

When suddenly it turns to be cold or your body start to heating up for things you can't adjust or tolerate, basically you just need a distraction.

Let's say, if there's one scene that I never want to be happen is happened..
The possibility about me thinking, "Amnesia would be a better option for this," is approximately 98 %.
Wait, am I starting to precise it out?
And wow, that's kinda high tho?
Such an avoider.

But the womb is also know that you can't be suddenly Amnesia and everything will be a happy calming end. You know what, just go with another option : find some distraction. 

Talking about distraction, usually I put my feet on the dance floor but I need longer time to distract. So, I try to find a new one (in which I die to select what kind of activities)

As you know that I'm not a good cook, ..yet, ...maybe, but I'm not that lame too. I love seeing people cooking something and loving it more when they documented it properly also makes it looks so tempting until I wanna try it (and ends up with burning my kitchen down --BOOM!) (but still, food macro-photography would save it all)

I'm trying some new (super simple) recipes out there (read : instagram) as my distraction. The more I need distraction, the more I cook until the very late night. I did that several times with theme #Edible and posted it on my Snapgram.

That kind of recipe you'll find on the back of Blueband's packaging

They thought it was pork noodle...

Literally Chicken & Lemon. Please don't judge me.

And that was it.
Yes I knoooooow that all of it is just a very berry merry super simple recipe, but learning won't stop here. (inda sick of seeing any quote about learning --side eyeing the job)
As the theme, it's still edible enough and I guarantee that you're not going to be poisoned. Unless I want to, lol.

Maybe I'll routine this up so the cooking itself could level up from "Distraction" to "Routine".
In which I should look for another distraction.
Any advice of doing what?


p.s. For delivering that foodies above, my kitchen is (still) safe. Bless me

Things she never talks about

HELLO

It's 23:34 p.m. and I want to ask her about things she never talks about, which happened for several times.

She, as a woman, is common to feel that insecurity when she saw something she don't want to see. She understand it well, like very well. She also knows the risk for knowing it.
She admit that she don't like it, but she just couldn't tell.
She wants to make sure whether things that annoyed her would be vanished as soon as possible, but it just couldn't happened.
She just don't want to see anything about it.

And there she is,
Making her own space and receiving the blame to hide it out.
She send an apology the morning after she burst in tears all by herself.
And that's how she relieve the pain.

So I want to ask her this.

My dear she,
Do you ever change?

Because she needs some space

Besides rhetorical things, what's your one point of pleasure?

HELLO

I ever said to you that night to dawn time is (almost) a perfect time for going further to the world of overthinking. So I'm coming down here just to land my fingers on the tip of yours.

So, what am I gonna write for now... hmm, maybe about one point of pleasure.
I'll exclude the rhetorical things related with religion and family, because yes that's the main point - isn't that kinda mandatory for human being like us?
This more like on another perspective about a simple things that makes you happy (self-version).

Going on trip is one point of pleasure that can boost my working spirit. I always love the time when I can finally mark some dates on my desk calendar with the tags : "Trip!". Last memorable trip was of course my holy grail because you know how long I've been waiting for this trip right.... Seoul in Winter is the prettiest yet kinda torturing.

No, this was not in Seoul. But yeah, that's me (and deer!)

I enjoy every moment of it, starting from planning your trip, packing your stuffs, dealing with some trip-incidents, tapping your journey, first-timer experiences, stumbled upon your silliness, tolerate your travel-mate, simply laughing, self-satisfaction, one step of achievement, replaying your shots, until of course the most annoying thing like : post-trip syndrome.

Going on trip alone or with travel-mate are all the same for me. I can do both anyway, even though sometimes I enjoy the first option more. Well, it depends on mood.

To sum it up, I miss going on trip.
As simple as that.

p.s. Don't pity me, I'll be on trip soon next month, stay tune :)

She said she wants to write more

HELLO

Before entering 2017, I have an-old-resolution-that-never-realized-even-though-it-has-been-said-for-zillion-times, which is : do write more.
I admit that I'm not a good writer even though I've been strolling around here for about 9 years. You can see it from three perspectives such as : content, systematically, and consistency.

Talking about content, apparently this blog is only for private consumption (read : me and my overthinking disease). I still have no consent of how to share a good quality content for you, the readers. There's time when I have a thought to change the appearance and content of this blog completely, but seeing you bloogy, I could reflect how I've been growing up together with you since the very start of my post. So for the content itself, I'll stay with whatever it is coming from my mind. This is my area anyway.

Moving on to the next part (I'm eyeing you dear grammarnazi!), it's true that writing is my weakness (read : crappy-grammar and the oh-so-lame-vocab). There's time when I wrote the post very carefully just to make sure that there's no mistake esp in grammar, but in the other time (and most of the time), I just write it freely -just like now. Well, I need to practice more and more. So please bear with it if you find it annoying when you read some errors there or there.

The last part is the one who rules. Consistency.
For the two things I mentioned before, actually I can handle it with consistency. I'll find the pattern about content and practice to write by writing in consistency. I even targeted for at least write one post in one month, so I'l have remarks about what happened to me in every months. The perfect plan goes like this : One post a month, one post a week, one post a day. For posting something everyday, I think I'll flood you up with unimportant things, bunch of unclear ideas, or ends up with just posting a picture and a quote that represent my mood that day (which reminds me about my Tumblr account). But I'll try! (<-- this kind of statement that you've already heard for ages).

So to wrap this up, I, once again, want to try to live you up again because you've already cowering in the army for the past years. Let's lighten up together and make this as a perfect momentary of us. Give me a high kick, bloogy!

Unrelated snapshot just to make this post looks lively.

p.s. I want to tell you something that you wouldn't like this for sure. For a moment I want to change your domain address into another name (don't hit me yo) but maybe I should keep it later. Today Flavour is not bad for something created on 2007, right? :p

p.s.s. I'm not double checking so spit it out, grammarnazi. With pleasure!

Things I Missed the Most

HELLO

Since the beginning I know that I would missed the hip of "writing-your-new-year-resolution". Things that I didn't expect : I'm writing this now on the last month of the first quarter.
Things I missed the most in the first quarter of 2017 : Dancing

So I did it and recorded it randomly, in the random place, in the random evening, and ofc with the random moves-more-like-yoga. Please bear with this randomness, my apology to you.

Guess bedroom is not a proper place to dance

At least I mark you up with this kind of post, event though it has no sense at all, I know it.
I'll dance you later, bye.

Are you building your immunity or torturing your mentality?

HELLO

Welcome to the 03.00 a.m. mind blowing session of mine.
This is the topic that I wanted to write since last month, but you know me, right?
Yes, you are, thanks for your understanding bloogy.
.
.
.

"Are you building your immunity or torturing your mentality?"

This.
This is one out of a million questions that she can't even answer.

You know, the hardest level of questions is now dominated by the question about ourselves. The one we understand the most yet the one we don't understand the most.

Back to the question, which is related with what happened to her lately.
Entering the phase of securing herself towards anything around, you know what she is doing and what will she do, right?

As predicted, she keeps placing the bricks on the invisible wall that she won't ever noticed. She doesn't know what is the purpose of wasting her time and energy by doing this repetitive and endless thing. Do you know what makes it even worse? She doesn't know why she keeps on doing this.

If she said, she is building her immunity, you know that she talks non-sense because the real thing is immunity can't be built by her. The thing she build is just a cover of it, so that she looks tough, strong, and well-prepared about severe things happened to her.

If she said, she is torturing her mentality, you know that she talks non-sense because the real thing is she is not ready with her mentality. The word "torturing" is just a cover of it, so that she doesn't look weak at all and well-prepared about severe things happened to her.

So, when you asked her about this question, you won't find any of "if(s)" I wrote before. Because she doesn't know it. Yet, maybe, or maybe won't ever.

Just don't ask her.

.
.
.


p.s. Another sleepless night, I hope that today I won't lose my focus.

Puzzle of Momentary

HELLO

Missed.
I know you missed it, the month that you proudly auctioned, the month that you willing to give it all.
I remember your call, when you said, "I'm gonna write something momentary at least at the end of September," and you never do it until D+7 (and now, D+12) you said so.
So cliche.

What actually you're doing?

You said it yourself. "I'm gonna visit you more often" or "I'm not gonna let you cold" or other sweet-sugar-coating talks you said. But you never want to talk about what are you doing right now --except typing a post-- like yes everybody knows that, and so?

Hence its already over, then let's make another way to leave some quarter life marks in here, so this is my statement :

I'm happy (and blessed) enough for getting a chance to feel sparks with different people and circles 12 days ago. Not expecting about anything, but anything happened on that day (or afterwards) was a contribution to complete this puzzle of momentary. So I would like to say thank you.. for all of you, for making it true, consciously or not.

Okay, so, let's wrap it sooner, because if it's not, I don't know when this post will be published.

Birthday Sweet Escape - This is a rare selfie moment! And no, I'm not that pathetic okay...

Censored so it won't hurt your eyes (and so that somebody can't make use of it)

Off I go, let's close this post by yelling the weird tag of yours.
Auction time, I'll give you my September!

Meanwhile it's already October......

((ok this is super weird, I'm signing out))

1/4 Hour to Wonderland

HELLO

01:45 a.m

So, there was a blink of moment when you start to crush yourself into pieces and you're not even realized it. Or maybe you know it, but you give yourself all-sweet-candy-of-excuses, so that it's kind of fine for hurting yourself "a bit'" without feeling guilty.

Is it that good, even when it hurts, and there's no regret?

Then let me ask,
You or your time, which kind of part that you like to slash the most? Or maybe both, because that candy is somehow addicting and it has slowly become your heroin.

Welcome to the rehab.